Bringing Mae Flowers

Sometimes I am Ashley, and Sometimes Mae.

I am one, I am none, I am both. My identity is complex and ever shifting with the seasons. Sometimes I am “Ashley”- the gifted middle child who overcame an unstable upbringing to become a successful business woman. Sometimes I am “Mae”- the impulsive creative with a Renaissance soul. Sometimes I am “Ashley-Mae”, the careful balance of creative energy and rational practicality. But most often, I am neither- the nameless soul waiting for one side to lay claim to my identity.

“Ashley” and “Mae” are two ends of a spectrum.

Even before I was diagnosed bipolar, I recognized that there were two sides to myself: cloudy Ashley and Sunny Mae. I always felt myself shifting between the two, unable to establish which one was the “real me”. And still today I am shifting. I am one, I am none, I am both.

Nameless:

I hate when people say my name.

It unnerves me just to hear,

Like a song missing half its notes

Leaves a jarring echo in the ear.

I cannot stand to say my name,

Because it sounds untrue.

But I don’t resonate with any name,

And so, no name will do.

I need a formal introduction

to the stranger in my skin.

I don’t know who or what she is;

No name for her exists.