Bringing Mae Flowers

My longest relationship may have been gay.

I’ve always considered myself an ally to the LGBTQ, but never considered myself part of the community. Though I did learn that I was Demiromantic in late 2019, I didn’t consider my quasi-ace/aro connection to be strong enough to claim the title. Afterall, at the end of the day, I was a cis-woman who almost exclusively dated cis-men. As far as society is concerned, that makes me straight.

Until I realized how gay one of my longest relationships was.

B and I met our freshmen year of high school in 2008. Though I moved less than a year later, we managed to stay in contact for over a decade following our first meeting. Our contact wasn’t frequent, and I wouldn’t say we were particularly close until after I graduated college in 2019. Then we rekindled our relationship and began a true partnership.

It started with a business.

B had been making soap for a few years and wanted to sell. I had experience in marketing, so we joined forced to launch a business. Naturally, we started spending more time together. By 2020, we were living together and spending almost every waking moment in each other’s company. We did everything together, and not just things for the business. We cooked for each other and went out on coffee dates. We shopped together, went to parties together– we even got our Covid shots and tattoos together. Outside of our day jobs, it was are to see one of us without the other.

Everyone assumed we were dating.

Even after B moved into her own apartment, we spent more time together than not. Most people assumed that we were “together”. And we didn’t do anything to dissuade the assumptions. After all, what did we care what other people thought out our relationship? Though we were both continuing to date other people, our relationship came first. That seemed natural to me, who rarely got attached to anyone I was dating anyway. But in hindsight I wonder if my demiromantic nature wasn’t the only reason that I didn’t care much for those other dates.

What does it mean to be in a relationship with someone?

Human beings are complicated. We are social creatures who depend on our abilities to forge connections with others, but those connections are a complex web of emotions, experiences, and expectations. My current relationship is very straight-forward: we went out on dates with the intent on getting to know each other romantically. After a few months, he officially asked if I would be his exclusive romantic partner. After two years, he asked me to marry him. Every step of the of our relationship’s progress was clearly discussed and defined. But not all relationships are like this.

My relationship with B was definitely complicated.

It wasn’t sexual- there wasn’t any sexual interaction or attraction. But I also can’t say that it was fully platonic. There were deep emotions and expectations that went beyond the normal level of trust and intimacy you should expect from friendship. And those blurred lines and unclear boundaries are also probably why it ended so badly.

It was a breakup like any other.

It started with disagreements that developed into resentments. Then there were fights that turned into meltdowns. Finally there was an agreement that things had to end- and that was that. After 14 years of friendship and 3 years of partnership, we went out separate ways. Other than wrapping up a few lose ends with the business, we haven’t spoken since.

So, was it gay?

I honestly don’t know, and don’t know if I ever will know. I don’t feel romantic love or attraction the same way most people do, which can make it harder to define my feelings. I can say that I felt differently toward B than I do toward my other friends, but I also felt differently toward B than I feel toward my current partner. Whatever our relationship was or could have been, it doesn’t matter now. We’ve both moved on, and I have neither regrets nor resentment over the relationship. The relationship I have with myself and my partner are the ones most important to me now, and I honestly hope that B is happy wherever she is too.

***Note: June is Pride Month and the LGBTQ+ Community needs support more than ever. Please show your love and support to the community by showing up at your local Pride Festivities and donating to organizations like the Trevor Project if you can afford to.