Alphabet Soup

My mind is a bowl of alphabet soup. A mess of mental health diagnoses- reach in and pull out a spoonful. Arrange the letters to guess the imbalance that keeps me in vertigo a single cooling blow and I dive into the bowl.

Allergic to Happiness? Trying to overcome depression.

I had a bad reaction to my antidepressants. As a teenager I tried Lexapro. Just this year I tried Zoloft. Both drugs are SSRIs, meant to increase Serotonin (the happy chemical) in the brain. Both times I took the smallest dosages possible, and both times I suffered from "Serotonin Syndrome"- a series of side effects … Continue reading Allergic to Happiness? Trying to overcome depression. →

Every 3 Years

I have seizures every three years. To be specific, I have psychogenic nonepileptic seizures every three years. Ranging from mild hand twitches to full-body convulsions, these seizures spasms are inconvenient, uncomfortable, and sometimes even terrifying. Every time it rears its ugly head, I feel like a battered marionette. The way I spasm, twitch, and convulse … Continue reading Every 3 Years →

Progress Isn’t Linear

I finally had the anxiety attack I had been expecting. With a global pandemic, an economic crisis, and a flood in my apartment, I am surprised I didn't have a breakdown sooner. Those of you who follow my blog know that I have generalized anxiety disorder, which can (an has) triggered my depression, cPTSD, and … Continue reading Progress Isn’t Linear →

Week Off: Dealing with S.A.D.

I have depression as well as Seasonal Affective Disorder. If you've been following my blog for awhile, I've mentioned both several times. The way my usual depression differs from S.A.D. is in it's intensity. My depression is like allergies: annoying, always present, and occasionally has a huge flare up before dying back down to general … Continue reading Week Off: Dealing with S.A.D. →

It Rained

I grew up on the coastal plains of Texas, where hot summer storms made music on our metal roof. I have many memories of sitting on our large front deck watching sheets of water fall front the sky, flooding the spongy ground with large puddles of water, and filling the air with that sweet smell … Continue reading It Rained →

Things Are Going Well, So Why Aren’t I Happy?

I know I'm not the only person who's been in this position, and maybe you are reading this because you're here too. Basically, I am doing great; I finished school, have settled into a job I enjoy, I have a beautiful place to live, and wonderful friends. I have every reason to be happy- but … Continue reading Things Are Going Well, So Why Aren’t I Happy? →

What “Better” Means

Better Doesn't Mean "Good". I never really thought about it before, but somewhere along the way we started to equate "better" with "good". But, "better" and "good" aren't the same thing. We know that, yet how often we tell our sick friends and family "get better soon!" Obviously we want our loved ones to feel … Continue reading What “Better” Means →

Post Holiday Crash and the Final Semester

A Quick Word on the Post-Holiday Crash: Something about the holidays leaves us feeling drained and depressed. I suspect these feelings have something to do with how much time, money, and energy we expend trying to make these arbitrary dates "special" or "meaningful" only to end up feel let down when the days come and … Continue reading Post Holiday Crash and the Final Semester →

Fourth Session

*Brief mentions of trauma, abuse, and sexual assault* I've tried therapy several times in the past, but I've always ended up giving up before I make any progress. There are several reasons for this: I wasn't ready yet, I couldn't afford it, I felt like it was a waste of time, it was too hard... … Continue reading Fourth Session →