Anxious Expectations: Afraid of Wanting Too Much

I've always been afraid of wanting too much. I became convinced that if I told myself I don't want it (whatever "it" is), it wouldn't hurt when it was denied. I never believed it was "all or nothing". Rather, I believed that it was "small or nothing". I became content with scraps of affection, moments … Continue reading Anxious Expectations: Afraid of Wanting Too Much →

What’s In the Past

I remember my past like scenes in a movie. As if it all happened to someone else, in a different reality, separate from the one I currently reside in. I say "I" and "me" when recounting the sordid tales, but feels like a lie. Despite all evidence and witnesses that confirm their truth, I cannot … Continue reading What’s In the Past →

Alphabet Soup

My mind is a bowl of alphabet soup. A mess of mental health diagnoses- reach in and pull out a spoonful. Arrange the letters to guess the imbalance that keeps me in vertigo a single cooling blow and I dive into the bowl.

Allergic to Happiness? Trying to overcome depression.

I had a bad reaction to my antidepressants. As a teenager I tried Lexapro. Just this year I tried Zoloft. Both drugs are SSRIs, meant to increase Serotonin (the happy chemical) in the brain. Both times I took the smallest dosages possible, and both times I suffered from "Serotonin Syndrome"- a series of side effects … Continue reading Allergic to Happiness? Trying to overcome depression. →

January Lows: Seasonal Affective Disorder

Both the temperature and my energy are low. January is always the hardest month of the year for me. My Seasonal Affective Disorder is in full swing, but I can't distract myself with thoughts of the holidays. The days are short, the weather miserable, and my motivation is non-existant. Everything from work to household chores … Continue reading January Lows: Seasonal Affective Disorder →

A Different Kind of Self Possessed

*Trigger warning: mentions of seizures, demonic possession, death, and night terrors* Halloween is approaching, and the veil is thinning. Spooky season is upon us once again, so the time for ghost stories, scary movies, and witchy-workings. Last night, some friends and I had a Halloween Slumber Party (yes, even though we all in our late … Continue reading A Different Kind of Self Possessed →

Overwhelmed Sea

*A poem about feeling overwhelmed by life. May be triggering for some readers* I'm drowning in a self-created sea. Made of tasks, duties, and responsibilities. I asked for this. I thought I wanted more, but I'm in over my head. The water's getting deeper, and I'm too tired to tread. I'm slowly slipping under- anyone … Continue reading Overwhelmed Sea →

Do You Want to Talk About It?

I'm not ready to talk about some things. There are some parts of my life that I still can't bring myself to talk about- at least, not in a serious way. It's one thing to make a joke hinting at that hidden darkness, but it's another thing to open the curtains and expose it to … Continue reading Do You Want to Talk About It? →

Progress Isn’t Linear

I finally had the anxiety attack I had been expecting. With a global pandemic, an economic crisis, and a flood in my apartment, I am surprised I didn't have a breakdown sooner. Those of you who follow my blog know that I have generalized anxiety disorder, which can (an has) triggered my depression, cPTSD, and … Continue reading Progress Isn’t Linear →

Week Off: Dealing with S.A.D.

I have depression as well as Seasonal Affective Disorder. If you've been following my blog for awhile, I've mentioned both several times. The way my usual depression differs from S.A.D. is in it's intensity. My depression is like allergies: annoying, always present, and occasionally has a huge flare up before dying back down to general … Continue reading Week Off: Dealing with S.A.D. →