Bringing Mae Flowers

I’ve been told I’m intimidating.

This is a comment I’ve always found amusing because I am barely 5 feet tall, and only recently met the weight limit to donate blood. Perhaps this perception of my intimidating presence comes from my refusal to be intimidated by others. I’ve been afraid for my safety on several occasions, but I’ve never let it show. I learned long ago that confidence- genuine or fake- is a woman’s first form of self-defence. This doesn’t mean that I’m unfriendly or unkind. For most people this first impression lasts only for a few minutes, long enough for a short conversation to bring a new description to their mind.

I’ve also been told that I’m competent.

I’ve always found this comment to be particularly flattering, as it implies a level of self-possession and intelligence that I don’t always feel I have. Like anyone else, there is a lot I don’t know and I do make a lot of mistakes. However, I always try to admit when I am wrong and do my utmost to learn from my mistakes. “I’m not sure, I’ll need to look into it” is a frequent phrase I use at work, and I find this earns me respect from my co-workers and clients. My perceived competence comes from a willingness to learn and apply that knowledge whenever I can, rather than running on bravado alone.

I’m often told that I’m “direct”

“Direct” is a polite way of calling someone a “bitch”, and it’s a fair accusation if “bitch” means that I don’t allow anyone to talk down to me. I do not avoid confrontation and I’m not a “yes” man- which is off-putting to many. I’ll be the first to admit that patience is not inherent to my nature, and I tend to have high expectations of myself and others. But this doesn’t mean that I am mean, judgemental, or unforgiving. I don’t search for confrontation, and refrain from voicing irrelevant opinions that will hurt others. I am honest, but I am not cruel. I won’t always say what you want to hear, but I will say what you need to hear if I truly believe it will make a difference.

I wish the impression others had of me was warmth.

The closest I’ve come is “intriguing”, which has it’s own charm, but it isn’t the same. Intrigue inspires interest and curiosity. It can attract people to you, but it also raises an invisible barrier of “otherness” that is difficult to overcome. Warmth, however, is welcoming. A warm person makes others feel comfortable and safe from the moment of meeting. They are the kind of person who know you can turn to for help and support- which is who I want to be. I care deeply for others, but do not always appear like the kind of person who does. I wish I could say that I felt bright and generous like the sun in spring, but I am more like the moon on a winter night. I’m not brilliant and warm like the sun, but still offering the comfort of my light to those who those who look for me in the dark.