I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 in the spring of 2023. After over a decade of managing symptoms on my own, this diagnosis came as a relief. For years I lived with the fear of losing control of my mind and body, and saying and doing things I would regret. For years I had to deal with the fallout that the “other me” caused, wondering why it kept happening.
It wasn’t easy to accept that I needed help and that things wouldn’t get better unless I worked on myself. The years from highschool through college were full of a lot of growth, and even more mistakes. To save you all the trouble and struggle, I’m going to share 4 things that living with Bipolar Disorder taught me about accountability.
Explanations are Not Excuses
Too many people have begun using mental health as an excuse for bad behavior, and it needs to stop. Mental illness can, and does, impact your behavior, but it’s not an acceptable excuse for it. First, let’s clarify the difference between explanations and excuses.
An explanation puts the situation into context.
An excuse attempts to deflect blame.
As someone who has said and done many mean, thoughtless, and stupid things in the throes of mania or depths of depression, I understand the desire to shift accountability onto my illness.
“I missed your birthday party because I was depressed.”
“I wasn’t myself when I said those things that hurt you.”
“It wasn’t my fault because you made me mad…”
It took me many years to realize that while my mental health was just one of many factors that influenced my actions. As such, they were not valid excuses for them. Depression explains why I don’t want to go out for my friend’s birthday, but it’s not an excuse for standing her up. Mania explains why I’m high-strung and irritable, but it’s not an excuse for saying hurtful things to someone I care about.
Reframing how I view actions through the lens of explanations and excuses was the first step in taking accountability for my choices.
Actions Have Consequences
This is obvious, but it’s so obvious that people seem to forget that every cause has an effect, and for every action there is a reaction.
Some actions have obvious consequences:
“I rage quit my job, now I’m unemployed.”
“I was too depressed to clean, now my house is a mess.”
but some are less obvious.
“I’ve been really irritable lately, and it’s causing my romantic partner a lot of stress.”
“I haven’t had a lot of energy to play with my kids, and that’s been making them sad too.”
It’s normal to not see the full impact of our actions. Not only is our scope limited to what we can perceive, but many of the consequences are indirect or invisible. We aren’t responsible for every reaction to our actions (afterall, the people around you also have agency), but we should be cognizant of what they might be.
Accepting the consequences of our actions is how we learn and grow in life.
My Behavior is My Responsibility
I am always responsible for my behavior. If there is only one thing you take away from this article, this should be it: “I am always responsible for my behavior”.
I may not always be able to control my emotions, but I can control how I express them.
I may not always be able to control my thoughts, but I can control whether or not I act upon them.
I may not be able to control the people around me, but I can control how I react to them.
Trust me when I say that I know it isn’t easy. I have struggled with this my entire life, and will continue to do so. I am human, so I will make mistakes, but there are some steps I can take to take full ownership of my slip-ups.
- Accept responsibility for my behavior
- Identify the trigger behind that behavior (the explanation)
- Determine an appropriate strategy to respond to that trigger in the future
- Adjust that strategy as needed
Not All Apologies Deserve Forgiveness
Hot take, but I don’t think all apologies deserve forgiveness. Just as you aren’t required to forgive everyone who has apologized to you, they don’t have to accept your apologies either.
It’s a tough pill to swallow, but some actions don’t deserve forgiveness no matter how sorry you are. Apologies, even sincere ones, don’t magically heal wounds or erase the past. Sometimes, what’s best for everyone involved is cut ties and move on.
Forgiveness cannot be forced; it has to be offered. It’s not up to you to decide whether you’ve earned it or not.
Final Thoughts
I’m not a therapist, councelor, or relationship expert. Everything I’ve said are my opinions based on my personal journey, and that journey isn’t over yet. I still have a long way to go in becoming who I want to be. I just hope that I can continue to learn from the mistakes I make along the way.
Bringing Mae Flowers 
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