Bringing Mae Flowers

I keep expecting the realization to hit that I’m married. 

By Utah standards, I am a geriatric bride. In a state famous for women getting their MRS before their Bachelors, waiting until your 30s for your first marriage is close to criminal. For over a century, the LDS church has held a strong cultural majority in Utah, and family has always been a core tenet of that faith. The pressure to get married young and have as many children as possible has been bred into much of the population. Perhaps it’s because I didn’t grow up in Utah that I escaped that particular programming. 

Marriage and children weren’t part of my dream. 

I didn’t grow up in Utah, but I did grow up Mormon. Marriage and children were obligations I was expected to fulfill. From as early as I can remember, I was told what my life would be like when I got married and when I had children. Even with those expectations so firmly set in stone, it didn’t feel as real to me as my other daydreams. I pretended to be a witch, a world-traveler, a famous writer, or an artist. The closest children ever came in my fantasies was when I played teacher. I had a vague notion that I might get married or have kids “someday”, but they weren’t a part of the dream life I was building. 

My Life hasn’t changed.

I got married on May 1, but I don’t feel like someone’s wife. My life didn’t really change at all. We still split the bills and the household chores the same way we did before. We still have our own cars, our own bank accounts, and our own names. If it weren’t for the rings on our left hands, I wouldn’t remember we were married at all. Honestly, I prefer it that way. I loved our life the way it was. If I thought getting married would change it, I wouldn’t have married him.

The realization I’m married may never hit. 

I am married, but I am not someone’s wife. I am still my own person. I didn’t have to sacrifice anything or change in any way. My life looks more like the fantasies I had as a child than the life I was told to want, and I’m so glad that it does. I’m glad I defied expectations. I’m glad that I waited until it felt right. Most of all, I’m glad I listened to myself and not the voices around me. Because I am much happier with this life.