Bringing Mae Flowers

I am in a relationship for the first time in nearly 5 years.

I’ve spent most of my adult life casually dating; enjoying the single life and sampling from the menu. The dates were fun, and the people were interesting, but I never felt that “spark” that people talk about when they date. I could be physically attracted to them, and I could be platonically interested in them, but I never found myself wanting to share a life with them. At the end of the day, I just wanted to go home and cuddle with my cat while watching Murder, She Wrote. For nearly 5 years, I just preferred my company.

I started to wonder if I just didn’t understand love.

There were a few people I dated who lasted longer than the others. We got along well, had similar interests, and would go out regularly. Our temperaments, our lifestyles,and even our goals were all compatible. On paper, everything made sense, but I still didn’t feel like I needed them around, and I didn’t want to change my life to include them. There wasn’t any passion or longing, just companionship. It was fine, but I wasn’t sure I could call it “love”.

I started to wonder if I was expecting too much.

The last love I had was passionate and dramatic. It was young love; full of all the fire, energy, and emotions of youth. But, that was years ago, and I am not a teenager anymore. As hormones no longer rage, and we become more mature, it makes sense that the way we experience love will change too. Maybe this lack of longing was normal. But when those relationships ended, I barely noticed. Whatever mature love felt like, that couldn’t be it.

I was surprised how quickly I cared for my partner.

It wasn’t love at first sight. It wasn’t even infatuation or romantic attraction, just interest. But that interest was enough to keep me coming back. Again and again, I visited the shop he worked at, and we would talk for an hour at a time. Finally, when the pieces I had commissioned were completed and paid for, I asked him on a date. That first coffee date lasted 11 hours.

I’m learning what adult love feels like.

We met on August 26th and made our status “official” on November 15, a record for me. I didn’t think it was possible for me to go through all the stages of emotional connection so quickly. I wasn’t even sure I could feel romantic attraction anymore, but I do. While it doesn’t feel like it did when I was in high school and college, it also isn’t the contented disinterest I felt toward the other partners of my adulthood. It’s not the wild, raging, consuming fire of passionate youth. Nor is it the small, flickering, weak candlelight of jaded adulthood. To me, it’s something in between; It’s the warm, comforting flames of a hearth.

Love isn’t just a feeling.

Love is not the cure-all fairytales make you believe. All my childhood and dating trauma isn’t going to disappear, and my independent nature isn’t going to magically change overnight. Love isn’t just a feeling you have. It’s a commitment you make, and nourish with care. Healthy boundaries, communication, and trust are important ingredients when forming a relationship. But what is a better way to define love than having the willingness and desire to grow together?